It is essential that parents give our children freedom to act autonomously, even at the risk that they may make mistakes (as we all make mistakes). But making mistakes is not a negative thing , quite the opposite: it is a wonderful opportunity to learn and continue to grow as people.
However, it is often difficult for parents to empower their children when we know positively that they will fail . It’s normal that it hurts to see them fail, and that’s why we tend to warn them or say, “See? I told you!” when they make a mistake.
We explain why this attitude of ours is harmful to them and does not help them to learn and mature.
“Listen to me, or you will be wrong”: an attitude that avoids failure and does not help the child to learn
Parents do not have a crystal ball that shows us everything, but we undoubtedly have a life experience that leads us to anticipate the mistakes that our children could make if they make a certain decision. Hence, many times we cannot avoid telling them what to do in order not to make mistakes.
One of the forms of overprotection that we use the most is the warnings so that they do what we consider that they should do, and thus avoid them falling into the error that we know they will commit if they act differently.
For example : “Put your notebook in your backpack or you will leave it at home and tomorrow the teacher will not be able to correct your homework”
Faced with this paternal attitude, children tend to do two things:
- Obey us without question … and get it right
In this case, the child acts directed by us , so although he will not make the mistake of forgetting the notebook at home, he will not learn the consequences that it would have if this happened, because we are not giving him the possibility of making a mistake.
In addition, since mom and dad are always avoiding obstacles along the way, the child will never learn to face their failures , nor will they develop their critical thinking, the one that helps them to question, evaluate and analyze information before making a decision.
All this can end up negatively influencing your self-esteem and confidence, as you will grow up feeling unable to face situations or make decisions for yourself.
- Not doing what we tell them to do … and failing
But it could also happen that instead of paying attention to the parents, the child ends up doing the opposite and errs. When this happens, parents feel frustrated, angry and hurt, mainly for two reasons.
First, because our son has not done what we told him to do, and second, because he has made a mistake that could have been prevented by “obeying” us. And as a consequence of this comes the familiar expression of “I told you so!”, Which we will now analyze.
“See? I told you you were going to be wrong!”: The comment about a mistake that deeply damages self-esteem
When parents warn our children over and over again about a topic, but it ends up failing because they don’t “listen to us” and do not follow our instructions , we often tend to highlight that mistake with phrases and comments that are hurtful to the development of their personality.
When a child who makes a mistake for having made a decision receives this type of comment from his parents , it is normal for him to experience the following:
- Shame, guilt and humiliation.
- Sensation of feeling “tiny”, insignificant or useless in front of the omniscience of their parents.
- Lack of security and self-confidence.
- Feeling that it is not valid and does not know how to act or make decisions for itself ( “I don’t dare to make this decision; I’m sure I’ll be wrong again” ).
- Dependence and constant need for your parents to approve any step you take or decision you make (something that could even end up affecting you in the future).
- Since the phrase “I told you so” affects the mistake made, the child will feel like a failure and the only thing he will learn for the next time is to submissively abide by what his parents order him to do.
As is logical, all this will end up affecting the bond and the relationship between parents and children , eventually causing a greater distance and lack of trust in us.
In short, if with our comments and attitudes we constantly convey to our children that they are not capable of doing things without us, they will grow up insecure, fearful, incapable of facing adversity, taking risks and making decisions for fear of failure.
How should we act if we know that our son is going to make a mistake?
To begin with, it is important to emphasize that at no time are we talking about mistakes or bad decisions that could endanger the child’s life, physical integrity or make him or others run an unnecessary risk . In these cases it is obvious that we must intervene and talk with our child so that he is aware of the risks he would run if he acts in a certain way, in order to find other alternative solutions.
What we are talking about is why we should not prevent our children from failing or making mistakes that can mean learning for their lives, and that allow them to acquire future skills.
 Here are some powerful reasons:
1) Because mistakes serve to learn.
2) Because being wrong provides essential skills for life (capacity for effort and improvement, not giving up in the face of adversity, humility, conflict resolution, empathy …)
3) Because making decisions (even if they are wrong) helps the child to develop critical thinking, becoming autonomous and competent people.
4) Because having the freedom to decide, make mistakes, fall and get up strengthens self-esteem, security and self-confidence .
5) And finally, because we all make mistakes at some point , so why should children – who are precisely learning to develop skills to cope with life – have to be different?
As we have seen, this respectful accompaniment would not happen in any case because we remain anchored in the error, continually remarking it, getting angry, yelling, punishing or telling them that we had already warned them.
On the contrary, what we parents must do is accompany and emotionally support our child, ask open questions that help them to be aware of the mistake made, and provide them with the necessary tools to repair the damage that may have been caused, find a solution and learn from it for the future.
Photos | Pexels, iStock
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