Suffering an abortion is a very painful experience that has a tremendous impact on our lives, an event that deserves respect, recognition and accompaniment.
According to official data, one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and many of them occur for unknown reasons. We talk about how having an abortion affects us psychologically and offer some tools that can help us through this painful experience.
How suffering an abortion affects us psychologically
With the arrival of pregnancy, news full of hope, fears also arise; Fear that something is wrong. Unfortunately, spontaneous abortions sometimes occur that do not understand weeks or causes . The pain is independent of the week of gestation.
And it is that an abortion is a loss, it is the death of our son. This death implies a duel, a process of adaptation to life without that being that we wanted and that has not managed to be born.
And we find J. Montoya Carrasquilla’s phrase very accurate to summarize the impact grieving has on our lives:
“In no other situation like mourning, the pain produced is total. It is a biological pain (the body hurts), psychological pain (the personality hurts), social pain (society and its way of being hurts), family pain (our pain of others) and spiritual (the soul hurts). The loss of a loved one hurts the past, the present and especially the future. All life, as a whole, hurts.”
-J. Montoya Carrasquilla-
After an abortion, the first usual emotions in this process are pain, sadness, misunderstanding and fear. Sometimes a certain sensation of calm may also appear, but it lasts only a few moments.
Other emotions such as anger, impotence and more fear progressively emerge, as well as a strong feeling of incomprehension from the environment , added to those waves of pain that shake us and that take everything ahead, including ourselves. .
A misunderstood duel
The mourning for the loss of a child that has not yet been born is a mourning little understood by the environment, at a social level, and it is normal that so much incomprehension oppresses us.
Thus, to the pain of loss is added the pain of social misunderstanding, which is evidenced by phrases (which we should never say to a woman who has suffered an abortion) such as: “you will have another”, “you are still young” , “it was just a fetus”, “curettified woman, pregnant woman”. Horrible phrases that only generate more pain.
How to deal with this painful experience
First of all, it is important to know that there is no set time to mourn . Each woman and each couple will need their own rhythm and their own times.
What do we need to face this loss?
We need emotional accompaniment, recognition of our pain and loss, and a lot of understanding. And ask for specialized psychological help if we feel we need it.
We also need to know that grief is a cyclical process, not a linear one; that is to say, that there will be occasions in which you will feel that you return to the beginning , and it is something normal. Both you and your partner, if any, will go through different phases and emotions, all of them valid.
Give yourself the space to feel the emotions
It is important to give yourself spaces to feel all the emotions of grief, as well as permission to move through those emotions. Remember that everything you repress does not go away:
“Emotions that are not expressed never die. They are buried alive and come out later in worse forms.”
-Sigmund Freud-
Verbalize your emotions and share
It can also help you verbalize your emotions, share them with whoever you consider, seek support and a network that supports you. There are circles of support for women who have gone through (or are going through) the same thing. Avoid isolating yourself.
Grieving the death of a child
With time and the elaboration of the duel, other emotions come, even certain learnings. We put the loss in its place, as well as the memories of our son.
We learn to connect with other emotions, we get excited about other things again. A slight sensation of calm arrives, smiles, moments of light that coexist with grief and sadness.
Perhaps happiness is that place where grief and joy coexist , and mourning is taking steps towards that place where apparently conflicting emotions coexist.
But for this, time, self-knowledge and little by little return to recover the hope of a new beginning are essential (and we are not talking about another pregnancy, which can also be, but about new joys in general).
Acceptance, I don’t forget
The duel culminates with the integration of that loss in our life; We give our son a place in our vital architecture, a space from which to love him and always remember him.
We speak of the acceptance of the experience, not forgetting. The acceptance of the loss, of what was not and will not be.
And as a result of that acceptance, little by little new illusions appear; and we face this life that lies ahead, with that child who was not born but who will continue to live within us (and us), in our memories, memory and identity.
Photos | Cover (Freepik)
