When a woman and her partner lose the baby they were so eagerly awaiting, the world falls apart. They go through great pain that many times the environment does not understand, and although family, friends and acquaintances want to help, there are comments that can end up doing even more damage.
Those of us who have lived it know that there are phrases that hurt, and a lot, even if they say them to you with the best of intentions. Therefore, it is important to think twice before releasing them without measuring the damage they can do.
Nine phrases that you should not say to a woman who has suffered an abortion
1) “If he has not moved on, it is because he did not have to be born”
With this phrase it seems that we want to convince the woman that abortion is the best thing in such a situation, and it is not a correct approach to the situation because it is something that happens without a decision involved. The woman already knows that if it has happened it is because something was not right, but she has lost her future baby.
2) “Everything happens for a reason”
It is trying to find an explanation for something that does not have one, and shows a great lack of empathy towards the other person. Losing a child is a life project that is cut short, all the illusion that you had made about his name, his future, what your life would be like … All that is gone.
3) “It sure was a girl (or a boy)”
I was told this when I suffered a miscarriage. They wanted to cheer me up, but they sank me even more (what difference did sex make to me, I just wanted my baby). A comment that is better saved.
4) “What do you think could have happened?”
Trying to find the reason for the loss is the worst thing you can do, that is better left to the doctors, (although most of the time no precise causes are found). Abortion is more common than we think, and it is certainly not your fault. Such a comment increases the feeling of guilt in the couple .
5) “At least you know you can get pregnant”
They believe that clearing the doubts about your ability to conceive can help ease the pain of loss. “As you have become pregnant, you can stay again”, like someone who goes to a store and buys another dress.
6) “Better now that you are a few weeks old than after several months”
By giving messages like these, all we can do is make women feel that their abortion is less important than others of women who have lost their babies with more advanced pregnancies. However, for her, it is the most important of all, because it was her future baby and it is his loss, hers, the one she has to manage and with which she has to live.
7) “You can try again”
The loss has passed and trying to hide it or pretend that a new baby will replace the loss of the old one is a misconception that many people have. Losing a baby hurts and it is necessary to mourn that loss, although others may come later.
8) “Well, don’t be like that … you already have a son”
If you are already a mother, you have no reason to complain, because there are others who try to have one and cannot. It is another example of those who relativize and try to minimize your feelings. If you have already been a mother, it seems that it has to hurt you less because you already gave birth in its day.
9) “Get over it … you have to turn the page”
If the weeks have passed and you keep thinking about the baby you were going to have and you did not have, they begin to feel uncomfortable , and then they tell you that a while has passed and that you turn the page, that you get over it.
Grief is something very personal, a path that each woman and her partner have to travel after the loss of a pregnancy. Even in certain cases it may be advisable to seek professional help.
Five phrases that you can say to a woman who has suffered an abortion
10) “I am here for you when you want to talk”
Respecting the pain of others implies also respecting each other’s times, without overwhelming or invading. You just have to let the other know that they can count on you when they want to talk.
11) “I don’t know what to say”
It is much more sincere to say that you have no words to say a phrase that could hurt the other person.
12) “Tell me how you feel (if you want)”
Sometimes you just need to press that button, the one for feelings, for the other person to open up and start talking about it (if they want to). It is also important to respect her silence and accept that she does not want to do it.
13) “I’m sorry”
A sincere and simple phrase that we should say more often. No more is needed.
14) “What can I do for you?”
Even if you don’t do anything, asking is already a lot. The only thing that can help anything when you lose your baby is having an ear that listens to you and a friendly shoulder to cry on.
Or say nothing . And simply be by his side.
Photos | iStockphoto and Liza Summer at Pexels
In Babies and more | The emotional project that raises awareness and makes visible the gestational and neonatal losses,
