Being self-demanding has positive and negative aspects ; thus, it can stimulate children to want to improve and to do things well. But, on the other hand, it can generate pressure that is not always easy to manage.
Do you have the feeling that your child is very self-demanding? Or that he is very hard on himself, and if things don’t go “perfectly”, he has a hard time accepting it?
In these cases, it will be important to give a new approach to mistakes , conveying the message that mistakes can help us a lot to learn, and that absolutely nothing happens if we make mistakes.
You still have the opportunity to try again! But, in what other ways can we accompany children with excessive self-demand? What are the consequences of being very self-demanding? We tell you.
“I didn’t fail, I just found 999 ways not to make a light bulb.”
-Thomas Alva Edison-
Very self-demanding children: what are they like?
The RAE defines the requirement as ” capricious or excessive claim “. And it is that self-demand implies expecting a lot from ourselves, seeking perfection on many occasions, “giving everything”.
And it is not that being self-demanding is wrong or good , but rather that this self-demand, when excessive, has important emotional consequences, as well as for the child’s self-esteem.
Very self-demanding children always try to do things well. They can be very hard on themselves when they make a mistake, because they understand the mistake as a failure. They work hard, strive and persevere , and want to reach a “standard” or a minimum that satisfies them (be it in studies, with their friends, with their family…).
Sometimes they can also be very rigid; that is, it may be difficult for them to tolerate changes, or allow themselves to do things in a different way (also with others).
That is why it is important to work on mental flexibility with them. But, what consequences can this excessive self-demand have, on a psychological level?
Consequences of the constant search for perfection
Although self-demand can serve as an engine for change, as a motivation to improve, to give our best, etc., the truth is that, when it exceeds a certain threshold, it can do more harm than good.
And it is that, one thing is to be self-demanding, wanting to do things well, and the other, to crush ourselves when things do not go “perfectly”.
On that fine line between “healthy” self-demand (as the engine of change and improvement) and harmful self-demand, we must stop and understand what consequences self-demand can have on children when it is excessive. In this sense, it can generate:
- Feelings of frustration.
- The feeling of “not being enough”.
- Low self-esteem.
- Negative self-talk (child saying negative things to himself).
- self-punishment
How to manage that self-demand with them?
investigate its causes
It is important that we can unravel what is hidden behind that self-demand, in order to help our children to manage it. Sometimes it is born as a result of the education received, of the expectations that adults, especially parents, have placed on them.
Other times it arises from the fact of having practiced (or to practice) a sport in an important competitive environment . But there are more causes; one’s own personality, the desire to be liked by others and to be accepted…
Digging into their motives can help us better understand our child and offer them the tools they need to manage that self-demand.
Differentiate what they can control and what they cannot
Very self-demanding children often tend to want to control everything, and this also includes those things that they cannot control. And that is where the frustration or discomfort is born.
That is why it is important that we educate our children so that they learn to differentiate what is under their control and what is not , that is, what depends on them and what does not.
We can do this through a sheet, for example, by drawing a circle and dividing it in two:
- In one area, we will write or draw the things that we can control (for example: being punctual, doing homework, going to training…).
- In the other part of the circle, we will do the same with the things that we cannot control (for example: that the others do not like something that we have done, have a bad day , that they reproach us, disappoint the expectations of the father or mom, etc).
This is a way to begin to reduce that self-demand in children that, many times, is accentuated or created by the desire or false belief of being able to control everything.
In this sense, we must transmit the message that not everything depends on them, and that nothing happens; For this reason, it is better to invest energy in what does depend on them or in what they can change.
Use positive reinforcement
Positive reinforcement is a very useful strategy for children to feel validated, loved and recognized. Positive reinforcement can be a compliment, a kiss, a few words of encouragement, a caress, a game time, a small gift…
When we reinforce children, we are giving them love and saying that they are perfect as they are, that they do not need to reach any “standard” (a standard that, in many cases, they set for themselves).
It is a way of reducing that self-demand and conveying the message that they are doing great, that they do not need to “prove” to us that they are worth it, because they are worth it just for the mere fact of existing, of being themselves.
Of course, it is also important to know how and when to apply positive reinforcement, so as not to fall into the child doing things just waiting for that “prize” (especially when we talk about gifts).
Encourage mental flexibility
As we said in the introduction, fostering mental flexibility in very self-demanding children can also be key. Why?
Because mental flexibility involves opening your eyes, considering new perspectives, creating an ever-increasing tolerance for change, for error, for the unexpected.
And all this costs very self-demanding children, who are also usually very rigid (for them, “perfection” is “X” thing).
How to promote mental flexibility? Some ideas that can help us, and that we explain in more detail in this article, are:
- Encourage them to get out of the comfort zone.
- That they can test themselves in new situations, challenges … (a fun activity that can go well for them is an escape room ).
- Do the object exercise: choose an object and have them say different uses than usual. For example: “what can a table be used for other than eating or studying?”
- Change things around the house from time to time (let them get used to changes).
- Together seek different points of view to the same situation.
Reformulate some beliefs
Finally, another note that can help you is to reformulate with your child what it means for him to be wrong, what he understands by failure, or by perfection …
In those meanings, we will better understand how you feel and how we can change some beliefs you have (collectively) about what it means to “do it right” or “do it wrong.”
And you, how do you educate your children so that they learn to positively manage self-demand?
Remember that it is important to validate their emotions and understand their frustration, but still offer alternative ways to manage what is happening to them.
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