Can you imagine being told that reality can only be black or white? Or that your performance at a dance can only be great or disastrous? That you can only be happy or sad? What would you think? Probably, that this is a simplistic view of reality, and that there are a thousand nuances beyond these statements.
So why do we sometimes tend to classify children’s behaviors as “good” or “bad”? Is your behavioral repertoire really that limited?
On the other hand, and as a result of this classification, you have surely said this phrase at some time, without realizing it, or that you have heard it from a multitude of fathers or mothers: “son, behave yourself at school”, “behave yourself at session”, “be nice to your grandparents”, etc.
But what does it really mean to behave well? Although many times we resort to these phrases unconsciously, as an automatism, it is important that we become aware of it because it has its risks.
We reflect on the consequences of classifying children’s behavior as “good” or “bad” and saying phrases like the famous “behave well”, and how we can turn all this around to educate with greater awareness.
Why we shouldn’t classify children’s behaviors as good or bad
Children, like all people, have certain behaviors in their day to day. And, what’s more, these behaviors change (a lot), as children grow. It is normal.
Good or bad? Or white or black?
What happens is that many times we tend to label these behaviors, and not through multiple adjectives and nuances, no, no, but rather we classify them only as “good behaviors” or “bad behaviors”. That is, either black or white.
Behavior is nuanced
This presents certain risks, not only due to the fact that we are cataloging something as complex as human behavior, through only two (opposite) poles, as if there were no other intermediate reality (which makes us have a very simplistic of things), but also because we are issuing a moral judgment on said behaviors.
Risks of classifying behaviors as good or bad
Some of the main risks of classifying behaviors in this way are: that the child does not understand what we expect of him , that he feels confused, judged, that he ends up thinking that everything he does can only be in two ways (when it is not like that) , which reduces your vision of reality, etc.
What does it mean to behave well?
The fact of classifying children’s behaviors as “good or bad” often leads us, unconsciously, to emit phrases like those mentioned in the introduction.
And one of the main risks of all this, and that is implicit in phrases like “behave well”, is that we assume that the child knows what exactly “behave well” means. But he really doesn’t know . How can you know?
Perhaps he imagines something, but in reality he cannot know what we expect from him, because in that sentence we are not telling him. And “behaving well” is so relative, it can be anything!”
Instead of “behave yourself”… What can we say or do?
Therefore, avoid resorting to these topics, and instead, resort to more elaborate and specific phrases, where you tell your child what you expect of him, what limits he cannot exceed , what the consequences of his actions may be, etc. .
And above all, make use of positive reinforcement. Reinforce their behavior with flattery (verbal reinforcement), with caresses and hugs, with affection, with small rewards for their effort and their way of being.
Accept him as he is, without stopping teaching him and setting limits, also accompanying him in the things that cost him and in his possible difficulties.
Let’s avoid judging their behavior
On the other hand, and as we have seen, another of the risks of labeling behaviors as “good” or “bad” is that, in this way, we are judging our child.
Even if we don’t directly say “you’re like that”, or “you’re like that”, indirectly, what he can understand when hearing that he has behaved badly, for example, is that he is a bad boy.
That is why the use of language is so important ; Let’s take care of this language, because the construction of our children’s self-esteem and self-concept depends on it, among other important aspects for their development.
Alternatives to classifying behaviors as good or bad
Of course we can continue to use adjectives to define the behavior of our children, but we have to be careful.
For example, start by expanding the repertoire of adjectives, and try to make them as neutral as possible (that is, they don’t have a significant moral charge).
Be based on objective facts
And above all, when you talk about your child’s behavior, base yourself on observable and objective facts that he understands at the time.
For example, you can tell your son that he was late that day, because he was twenty minutes late. But let it be clear that we are talking about the behavior of that day , of that specific moment, and that an action does not define it.
Accompany the message with something positive
And, above all, let’s accompany the message with a positive message, or with a question; for example “today you were late, what happened to you?”, “did you feel like coming?”, “I’m sure you’ll be here sooner another day, if you need to organize yourself better I’ll help you”.
We do not define him: we evaluate something punctual about his behavior
Finally, when you talk to your child about his behavior, make it clear that you are talking about what he is doing, not what he is . His behaviors, although they do give a lot of information about him, do not define him.
Photos | cover (freepik)
