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All my friends already have children and I can't get pregnant: how to manage these emotions?

If you find yourself in this situation, of wanting to get pregnant for a long time, and not being able to do so, due to infertility problems or other related causes, you have surely experienced very different emotions.

And if, in addition, you see that your friends are pregnant and/or already have children , the process can become even harder, since it is inevitable to “compare yourself” and experience some envy.

All these emotions arise, and it is important that we protect ourselves and take good care of ourselves. We reflect on this situation and mention some ideas to manage these emotions and make the process a little easier to carry.

All my friends already have children and I can’t get pregnant

Are you in this situation? If you are in the process of trying to get pregnant, and you have been trying for several months, or even years, you will surely feel exhausted and frustrated.

These types of processes are complicated. And if you have also started an assisted reproduction treatment, the physical and emotional fatigue can multiply.

Feelings and emotions that may arise


Uncertainty is a very characteristic emotion at this stage , and even more so if we are immersed in an assisted reproduction process, with what the waits entail (such as the beta-wait, the time that elapses from the embryo transfer to the performance of the pregnancy), not finding a diagnosis and, in short, not knowing if we will achieve our goal, which is to have a child.

All this is bathed in uncertainty. And this emotion also arises when we are not undergoing assisted reproduction processes, but we still seek pregnancy. And it is not easy to learn to live with it.

The process of trying to get pregnant generates a lot of uncertainty, and it is not easy to live with it.

The fear of “never getting it”

That fear of never achieving it also appears, a fear that can be accentuated when we see that our friends do achieve it.

And as a result of that fear we ask ourselves questions, we have doubts about our own body (which can also affect our self-esteem), we compare ourselves, and we even experience an enormous feeling of injustice . “Why do they and I don’t?” we ask ourselves.

envy and guilt

Envy is a completely normal emotion in these processes. However, although it is a very human emotion, it also makes us feel tremendously guilty.

Especially when our friends get pregnant and we have a hard time being happy for them; not because we don’t want the best for them, but because their pregnancy connects us with our feeling of emptiness , and reminds us that we are not in their situation, which is what we would like and for which we have been fighting for so long.

the feeling of loneliness

A great feeling of loneliness may also appear. We see our friends with their partners and their babies, happy and accompanied, and although we are also happy with many other people, what we really want is to have our baby in our arms.

What can help you through this process?

If you are going through this situation, it is normal for you to feel sad, stagnant, with a thousand doubts and with a feeling of envy that generates a lot of guilt. What to do in these cases?

First of all, be aware that each woman goes through this process as best she can , with her resources, in a different and unique way. And that all these ways are fine; but it is also true that there are coping strategies that are more adaptive than others.

Some ideas that can help you navigate this path and these emotions are:

Accept these emotions and be compassionate with yourself

It is essential that you accept all this that you are feeling, and that you validate it. It is normal for you to experience envy, or unpleasant feelings towards your friends; but remember that this does not mean that you are a bad person, or that you do not rejoice for the good of others.

What happens, precisely, and as we said before, is that their pregnancies connect you with your pain. Be compassionate with yourself.

Not being able to be happy about a friend’s pregnancy doesn’t mean you’re a bad person; what happens is that this fact connects you with your pain for not being able to achieve your desired pregnancy.

Protect yourself and focus on what you need

It is also important that you protect yourself from everything that hurts you, and that you set limits. If it really affects you to see other people’s pregnancies, or meet your friends with children, restrict the content of those messages, or social networks, or don’t meet your friends with children if right now you feel that the situation “can do you”.

Respect what you need. And this does not mean that you will not be able to see your friends anymore , but perhaps now is not the time to go through all of it. Maybe it’s time to focus on you, on what you need. Over time things will fall into place.

avoid comparing yourself

We know it’s not easy to achieve, but try not to compare yourself. Your friends have their reality and you have yours; They are very different realities and struggles. They have nothing to do with each other, and besides, comparing yourself will only cause you more pain.

When comparison behaviors appear, remind yourself of the importance of focusing on your process and yourself, not anyone else.

release the blame

And of course, try to let go of the guilt generated by the fact of feeling like a bad person for not being happy about other people’s pregnancies, for example. Or for not being able to see an ultrasound of your friend , or spend the afternoon with her and her children. To release that guilt you first have to validate your emotions, accept them and give them space.

And allow yourself to be angry, sad or jealous. Listen to yourself and understand that you are doing the best you can .

Guilt is common when we can’t see an ultrasound, or our friends with children. It is important to work to be able to let go of that guilt.

Focus on the day to day and strengthen yourself

Finally, in this type of process where despair predominates, it is essential to focus on the day to day, not to anticipate too much thinking about the future (because this generates a lot of anguish), but without losing the illusion and hope of being able to achieve it .

And above all, value the small achievements and be reinforced by all of them. It’s time to give each other more love than ever!

Photos | Cover (Freepik)

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