Grief is the reaction to a significant loss in our lives, whatever its type. When we speak, more specifically, of genetic grief, we speak of the emotional reaction of loss when we cannot have children with our own eggs (or sperm in the case of men).
Thus, it is the mourning that appears when the reception of gametes from donors (ova, sperm or embryos) is considered as the only possibility to be biological parents.
What emotions arise during this duel? How to manage it and go through it in a healthy way? Did you know that we can also influence the way our children are, physically and psychologically, even if they do not carry our genes?
Infertility and assisted reproductive techniques
More and more couples use gametes from a donor to fulfill their dream of being parents, and this is due to the delay in motherhood, changes in lifestyle and fertility problems of many couples, among other factors.
It is estimated that currently around 800,000 Spanish couples suffer from infertility problems , according to IVI data. And according to the WHO, infertility affects 48 million couples worldwide.
For this reason, many couples resort to assisted reproduction techniques, a path that is not free of obstacles and difficulties. One of them, the fact of accepting that we may not be able to be mothers with our own eggs, which would lead us to start a process of genetic mourning.
Genetic grief: a normal grief
There are couples or single mothers who, due to fertility problems, turn to assisted reproduction treatments to achieve their dream of becoming parents.
Sometimes, on this path that is not easy at all, women or couples discover that they can only be fathers and mothers through the donation of gametes. That is, from the donation of eggs , semen or embryos (embryo donation).
Generally, this situation is reached after a series of attempts and a multitude of tests that end up proposing this as the only way to be parents.
Other times, the fertility problem or the “advanced” age that the woman has to be a mother, already leads to considering this as the first treatment option.
When this happens, couples, and especially women, will have to face a genetic mourning process, which implies accepting that the child or future children will not carry their own genetic material , since they will have to resort to a donor.
Emotions during genetic grief
This new reality can generate emotions such as sadness, pain, frustration, fear or uncertainty. Totally normal and valid emotions that deserve to be felt and experienced.
Doubts also appear about the future relationship with the boy or girl, as well as frustration because it is thought that the future baby will not share its own physical features.
On the other hand, fears arise due to the fact of having to face, in the future, the possible questions that the child asks when he wants to know his origin. All this that the person or the couple feels configures the genetic duel.
The role of epigenetics
Although it is true that in the past it was considered that genetic identity was defined exclusively by the genes that we inherit, today we know that there are mechanisms that alter genetic expression without altering the DNA sequence. This is known as “epigenetics.”
In other words, how our children will be is determined by the DNA and the genetic inheritance of the parents, of course, but also by the environment, which is capable of shaping and modifying the expression of certain genes.
Epigenetics: you also influence your future baby
In this way, epigenetics refers to the modulation of the expression of a gene during pregnancy, either with own gametes or in gestations with donated gametes.
What happens during pregnancy? Through the maternal fluids, the embryo will obtain elements that will join its genes , molecules necessary to form a new epigenome in the embryo, which will influence the physical , psychological and general health characteristics of the future child.
Also, we cannot forget that the first environment for our baby is our womb . And our body is capable of modifying the expression of our baby’s genes during pregnancy, so it can look like us even if it was not conceived from our own eggs.
In short: the same embryo in another uterus would be completely different. And this occurs thanks to epigenetics.
On the other hand, it is important to know that gamete donors are expected to be physically similar to the recipients , which increases the probability that our child will physically resemble us.
love beyond genetics
On the other hand, regardless of this epigenetics that we are talking about, which exists, you should know that, even if your child does not have your genes, he will always be your child, and you will love, care for and educate him like any other child who could bear them… and you will see things of yours in that little one from the moment it is born .
Without a doubt, you will love him as a son or a daughter, because he is, regardless of whether the egg from which it came does not contain your genetic information. So give yourself the opportunity to let yourself be surprised by this unconditional love that surely comes, and flows with the whole process, step by step.
Genetic duel: how to deal with it?
A process that takes time
Grieving takes time, self-compassion, self-care, and lots of love. Therefore, it is important that you do not put time limits on yourself in terms of preparing your duel.
Your duel will not last a time that you can delimit, a priori ; let yourself feel and respect your rhythms. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions, cry, express yourself. Thus, it is important that you do not put pressure on yourself, since the duel does not understand time.
ask for professional help
And if you feel that you can’t do it alone, you can always go to a perinatal psychologist, an expert in this and other types of situations related to motherhood, infertility, etc.
A suitable professional can help you face this situation in a psychologically healthy way, and also offers you the possibility of dedicating time to yourself, through a space in which to express yourself and verbalize your fears , doubts and also joys.
Bond with the unborn baby
Another thing that can also help you to develop this genetic duel is to understand the relationship between the mother and the embryo in this type of process, already mentioned.
This connection occurs from minute one of pregnancy, through what we feel about our baby, and what he hears from us (love, caresses, music, words…).
And it is that, DNA is not everything in this link, far from it. The bond is built with love , quality shared time and dedication.
Partner
Finally, if you have a partner, try to support each other. Your partner is probably feeling very similar things to what you feel.
And above all, seek to maintain open and fluid communication between you, where each one can express how they feel without any kind of judgment.
You deserve to go through this process accompanied, teaming up together and being able to assimilate the situation together.
And remember that once you have gone through this duel, the only thing you will have left is the memory of what you experienced, the learning from all of it and an unconditional love for your child . You deserve to enjoy it!
Photos | Cover (pexels)
